Marriage Relationship Counselor on 3 Questions Answered | Women & “Must Have” Lists!

Ok, maybe we have not all actually sat down and written out a list of what our partner “must have” in order for us to marry them, but we have certainly thought about it! Some have taken the time to not only write it out, but the list has become the standard for every potential date! Is this a good thing? If so, what should be on that list? Should you waver from that list or stick to it at all costs?

The answers to these three questions will give you insight on how making a “Must Have” list can be helpful, but also the dangers when you are not flexible with it, potentially leaving you dateless!

Article Author & Relationship Expert Janie Lacy, MS, LMHC interviewed on National News program The Daily Buzz!

1 – Should a woman even make a list of what she desires in her man?

Absolutely! She is already feeling inside herself certain traits, values, and characteristics that she desires in her man so why not make a list of them. This will help in times that she may feel desperate to not “settle” or compromise what she is looking for. Of course, you want to be careful not to make the list so extensive that no one can measure up to it. Remember, there is no “perfect” man out there like Hollywood wants us to believe so you want to have standards and desires, but remember to be careful not to set yourself up for failure in your future relationship by having expectations that no one can meet.

2 – Alright, if she is going to make a list, what exactly should be on this list?

The list should have certain desires and standards that are absolutes, that you definitely want in your future man (desires children, financially independent, sense of humor, spiritual beliefs, etc.) Then include things that would be nice to have like hobbies, food interests, music but aren’t deal breakers. This would fall into two columns: the “must haves” and the “desires”.

3 – Now that we have decided it is good to have the list and what should be on it, how closely should she follow this list?

I think it is important to keep a balance between holding to your absolutes or those things that are non-negotiable and the things that would just be fun to have in a partner. You certainly don’t want to compromise, but also don’t want to make your list so strict that 5 years later you find that no one can fit your list because of how rigid it was. You may make some adjustments along the way and you may find yourself changing over time. Having someone that has some differences can be fun so you each bring something fresh to the relationship. You want enough similarities to have intimacy but enough differences to be necessary.

So, having a list is not a bad thing at all, as long as we follow some guidelines and don’t go too far overboard! Have fun with it, use it to give you some standards and guidance but remember this key point:

It is important to be those things that you desire in someone else. If you want someone you can trust, you can be vulnerable with, that you can laugh with, cry with and that is sensitive to your heart, make sure you are demonstrating those things and that you are willing to give them yourself. You will attract what you are so if you desire compassion, be compassionate.

Author: Janie Lacy